New York City vs. Los Angeles
Make or Break-Up — A Tale of Two Cities for Valentines Day
*listen to the voice-over to read along with me :)
I’ve been listening to music, watching movies, watching TV, reading, and experiencing life as I do... and I noticed a recurring theme in the media I’m consuming, wherein a relationship falters in part —or solely—because one partner decided to leave New York for Los Angeles or vice versa.
This isn’t a thought piece about long-distance relationships (although my previous stance of “no, never again”, has evolved to “well, it depends” so maybe that’s worth talking about another time), but rather an idea I’m trying to pin down about why the bicoastal factor is such a big deal in some relationships, so much so it’s showing up in our popular culture. Either coastal city, Los Angeles or New York, takes the role of a third in the relationship dynamic, and that third can be embraced in the relationship or it can break it.
Even I left behind my Los Angeles relationship to build a new connection with New York City.
Can a relationship survive the 6-hour flight, the 3-hour time difference, and the nearly 3,000-mile distance that is the bicoastal relationship?
At the risk of sounding dramatic, I think this is one of the biggest make-or-break points of a modern relationship.
One might make a case for leaving your coastal relationship in favor of the opposite coast, by personifying the city of choice. You’re not leaving for just any city but one that almost embodies a sense of personhood and has a life force of its own. NYC’s pulse is strong with palpable energy, and depending on who you ask it has an acts-of-service love language and an avoidant attachment style. & Los Angeles, well, for what it lacks in sidewalks it makes up for in sunshine that can wrap its tan arms around you.
Why do we throw away our love for a city? What makes these places worth it?
I ask these questions as if I can’t just ask myself, I left LA. for New York. But I don’t have a one-size-fits-all answer.
Is Waymo1 better than the MTA? Are the rivers better than the ocean? (no, they’re not.) Is a walkable city better than hikes through the hills?
In the discourse about the two cities in the movies, on the TV shows, in the songs, and even op-ed pieces it’s almost like one partner is leaving the other for another person and not just a city. It’s almost as if checking StreetEasy2 is a form of infidelity akin to swiping on a dating app. In the song “California and Me” Laufey sings to the person who left her and moved to New York as not just leaving her but California as well:
The mountains of LA will weep through the night
Driving down Sunset's a terrible sight
...
Left me and the ocean for your old flame
Holding back my tears, I couldn't make you stay
Can't quit this, so damn wicked to leave
California and me
Carrie Bradshaw does the same and personifies New York as a third person left behind in the season 4 finale of Sex and the City (1998-2004) when she finds out Big3 is leaving New York for Napa Valley. She can’t even fathom that he would leave the city,
“Napa...as in California?” She says, stunned.
Big wants to sneak away quietly to Napa but Carrie insists on a proper night out on the town to say goodbye. She tells him “You owe it to us...You, me, New York.”
In Annie Hall (1977), Alvy’s whiny attempts to convince Annie to return to NY with him are almost like he’s saying “What does L.A. have that I don’t have?”, instead of what he actually says:
To further his detriment, Annie replies:
& In a collection of essays, the book Goodbye to All That represents 28 writers’ love affair and subsequent breakup with New York. The title itself “Goodbye To All That” references Joan Didon’s 1967 essay of the same name, detailing her feelings about leaving Manhattan for L.A.
If you’re a native of either city, the hurt of your lover leaving for the enemy is too potent. The opposite coasts have been regarded as rivals for at least 50 years. The native New Yorker might say to their partner with sore feelings cloaked in anger: “You’re leaving me for L.A.?”. They might have been able to wrap their heads around a move to Austin, Chicago, mayyyybe even San Fran; but L.A.?! Well, that’s damn near blasphemy.
For some, the call to either coast is loud and piercing; relationship be damned. And if you haven’t lived in either city —or even on either coast— the call might not make sense to you. To you, it’s an unknown number —you don’t pick up. But for some of us, it’s been saved in our contacts for a while.
To me, New York City feels like a semi-abusive relationship when the sweet moments are soooo sweet they almost make you forget all about the bad. & L.A. is like a situationship: you want so much more from it because there’s potential for more, you hope and hope for commitment but L.A. won’t commit— L.A. can’t commit, there are soooo many other hot people it has to be open for, plus who even knows if it’s going to be around in 30 years (i.e. L.A is sinking).
Obviously some couples mind the 3,000-mile gap and good on ‘em. For a special few their partner moves with them, or moves to start the relationship; 3,000 miles means nothing when love is at the finish line. And let’s not forget those who have faith that their relationship can mind the gap and stay together despite it.4 But then they break up and suddenly their relationship is swallowed up by the chasm. But for some couples, an attempt to maintain the relationship over the 3,000-mile gap doesn’t even get made. They left the ocean for proper bagels and piss-filled streets, and they’re staying behind for wildfires, Erewhon5, and the cure for seasonal depression.
Waymo is a brand of self-driving Uber-like cars that are in use on the West Coast
This is a website used to find NYC apartments
“Big” is the nickname for the man Carrie’s in love with but he doesn’t love her back but then they eventually marry
although in fact I did forget about the people who do long distances! So these two sentences are not in the audio recording because I remembered well after I finished recording.
Erewhon is a fancy California grocery store with things like $60 salads and Hailey Bieber-Baldwin smoothies.